what do you mean I’m 20 and don’t have my life together

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honestly, this picture explains my life currently a lot more than any of the words below will, feel free to stop here.

I’d like to start this post off by announcing I literally was Pinterest searching (is that like the millenial version of Googling at this point?) “angsty prompts for writer’s block.” Thank God my 20th birthday was a few months ago otherwise we would have one real angsty teen* on our webspace, lol. (*we will get to this in a paragraph or so.)  I sometimes get into these writing blocks or ruts that, not all the time, but usually have a lot to corrleate with how my life is going at the time. Which, by the lack of blogging up in this webisphere you’re probably thinking that my life is probably in complete ruins. Honestly, not the case at all. I am insanely fortune to be where I am and surrounded by the friends that I am and to have my sweet dang crazy but loving family just a short 3 hours away. However, if there is one thing that my life does have in common with my words lately, I’d use “stuck” to sum it up quite accurately.

*back to that angsty teen concept I mentioned earlierI was literally stoked to turn 20 because my friends and I love to joke I was probably up there with the worst at being a “teen,” let alone an angsty one at that. Like, didn’t-have-a-curfew-because-I-literally-spent-my-Friday-and-Saturday-nights-at-high-school-speech-and-debate-tournaments-in-pantyhose-and-blazers kind of bad at angsty.

It seems like every Pinterest quote, women’s lifestyle magazine life improvement article, and self-help book known to man (or, woman)  that I have scrolled past throughout my teenage years has to do with “your 20’s.” The ever so glorified un-glorified decade that everyone speaks of changing your life. Old enough to make the right decisions, young enough to make the wrong ones. You have all the time in the world to learn and to work and to give everything to yourself. Yet the world still expects so much from you. Figuring it out when the world wants to figure out everything for you is a job I’ve learned is full time, and the time-off? Not paid. Like, “shoot do you have any cash my work stipend isnt in the bank yet and we just ordered a boujee ass pizza because we thought we could and our sanity needed it” kind of not paid.

I am someone who relies, probably a bit unhealthily, on knowing my next move in life and also having other people know who I am. Not in a famous popular and really cool everybody knows who I am, becuase uh, all three of my younger siblings will vouch for me in saying that is totally not the case. Instead, more that people know what I stand for, know who I am as a person, and could basically predict my life for me.  Every day there’s a “that’s such an Ally thing” comment thrown my way. Whether it be my casual Lilly thrown into my going out outfits or monogramming most things I own, it’s basically like a personal stereotype. However, I hit a point when I turned 20 when I realized that a lot of the things people relied on me to be, honestly didn’t hold true anymore, or at least that’s not what I wanted to be known for. Sure lilly pulitzer avocado leggings and color coded to a tea agendas are still and probably always will be my thing, but I didn’t want something so materalistic to be people’s first thought when my name came up. I began panicking that I had finally reached this age that I had always dreamed of, no longer a teen in any sense, and although only a few months in, I didn’t feel like I was doing or being what I had planned since idk, I turned 13 and realized how teenager so wasn’t my thing.

I started feeling honestly like a failure to myself. Things that used to be passions and dreams started having “buts” and fears in front of them. example:

cool fun ally: I am going to be a famous blogger and use my words and passions for good and have the best blogger life nothing can stop me because I am confident woo

current boring and scared ally: but money. but what if you don’t make it. but you’re literally an education major what are you doing. but what if someone is better.

I was ( and honestly have days where I still am ) FRUSTRATED over the fact that my “ideal” life that I had envisioned wasn’t coming to life the instant I wanted it to. I am not yet running my own brand, I for sure don’t have the savings I wish I did, I am weak and vulnerable about my insecurities, I am still a huge introvert and haven’t quite grasped the social life scene of college and am going on year 3, and still am unsure of what I REALLY wanna do with my life.

I still had this envision of who I wanted to be. She is cool, calm, collected, her closet resembles my Pinterest boards more than my current wardrobe, she is outgoing and never afraid of a challenge, and she probably also gets enough water in her system every day and who knows she probably wakes up at 5am to do yoga every day or something obnxoiously effortlessly perfect like that. She is this ideal woman that I like to think is of my own creation, but is truly something that the world around me tells me I need to be and takes away from what I naturally am.

I had always prided myself on being this true to myself and very independent and unique human bean, and it seemed like recently I hadn’t been really walkin my talk on that one. It seemed like I had been so consumed with making sure that I fit this “mold” I had created for myself, that I honestly started becoming less and less like who I am. Basically, I started taking the true to myself characteristics that I had become and convinced myself they weren’t good enough. If you’ve been reading over on this site for awhile you’re proabably thinking “dang Ally and her big fear of change.” lol, I’m right there shaking my head at myself with ya. Honestly, it has gotten to a point where I have started to get annoyed with myself and discouraged on a daily basis. The feeling  where it literally feels as if sometimes you’re being cosntantly bothered by another human 24/7 because you’ve taken on so many traits that aren’t your own while trying to be this person you’re not or who you think you “should be.”

I am writing this because I have zero doubt (or at least I am REALLY hopin) that I am not alone in this feeling. Yeah, the funks, the ruts, the no good feelings. Even the humans you think don’t have these, they do. They may not publicize them or oh Idk write about them on a literal piece of the internet, but they do. Of course it takes me forever to whip these posts up because 1: even for someone that loves to write, words are hard. and 2: knowing that there will be people that view anything I do, blog included, as attention seeking or not applicable to them. I’m not ignorant to the fact that people read my stuff, heck, I put it in my bio FOR people to read my stuff. But that being said, putting these words up there for everyone to change the world like this lil site was originally intended to includes not spending my time fooling all ya’ll that my life is perfect. Because ha, ya girl can’t even wear a white shirt without spilling on it in .5 seconds.

Sure, it those funks probably looks different for everyone. Honestly it looks different for me on a daily basis. Whatever it is and looks like for you, chances are you aren’t meant to be the person you’re putting forth so much energy to be. Being you shouldn’t take work. Being you is who you are when the best song in the world comes on in the car and being you is facetiming your little brother and being you is the you that talks to your dog and gets yourself up every morning. However, I do know that we aren’t all going through this just for the heck and fun of it. Because yeah, it sure as heck isn’t fun! Whatever it may be, there is something that is making you feel like who you are naturally isn’t good enough. For whatever reason, there’s somethin in your noggin telling you that this other person you’re trying to be is better than who you really are. Uh? dumb. Who you are when you tell you’re dog she is the goodest girl is the BEST version of you.

I realized lately that change doesn’t happen when you don’t like the person you’ve become. To quote Darling and one of my favorite online blogs (yeah, one of the one’s that terrifies me that I’m doing my 20’s wrong 3 months in) change happens when you love yourself enough to recognize that you desrve better than a life filled with insecurities.” and boy oh boy is that right. One of my biggest insecurities and something I always mistake as a flaw of mine is how i have SO. MANY. FEELINGS. (am I a Cancer, much?) Instead of apologizing for them like I usually do, I am learning to learn my feelings and who to best channel them towards and how to use those dang emotions for the best. Because truth is? That perfect yoga practicing woman I mentioned earlier? She doesn’t exist. But I do. With my many many many quirks (I believe these are what my siblings use to call me “weird” and “totally not cool”) and those insecurities and polka dotted rainboots and all. And hate to break it to ya but your cool yoga version of yourself doesn’t exist either. But you do. And that’s such a crazy beautiful thing.

I realize this is up there with the longer of my posts and to quote my alpha chi little “I love your blog but sometimes I stop halfway through becasue it’s really long.” Lol, ya girl has got a lot to say, espcially when she finally allows herself to be the kind of girl that gets to word vomit on this nerdy webiste without comparing herself or worrying it’s not where it needs to be. So, maybe I’m 3 months into 20 and am not where I thought I should be. But maybe im 3 months into 20 and am real pumped to spend some time re-getting to know myself. Imma end this with another Darling quote because I love them all too much and they said it better than this delusional typing human bean ever could:

Don’t let your ideal expectations rob you of your present joy—you are far too valuable, too lovely and absolutely irreplaceable for that. So, I dare you. Throw in the towel—break up with your ideal self and love the one you are. Because you’re the only you you’ve got.

Until next time, be you, love you, & change the world (but don’t freak out if you thought you were already supposed to do that by now 😉 ) 

xoxo, Ally

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5 thoughts on “what do you mean I’m 20 and don’t have my life together

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