Where did xo go?!

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So hey, long time no type friends! Like, for me, who love love loves this blog: REALLY long time no type. I strive not to be one for lame excuses, so I promise, I limited mine to only one lame one for you all. I’ll start with the more important & meaningful stuff and leave the lame excuse for last so if you’re like me and can’t do without spoiler alerts, permission to scroll to the bottom of the page and read that lame excuse now granted.

My dad has been one of my biggest role models my entire life, and for good reason. People say we are the most alike in my family and I never fail to take that as a compliment because he is hands down one of the most hard-working, caring, and genuine people I know and those are all definitely things I strive to be.  I like to think I am a somewhat independent person. Being an oldest child and a pretty big introvert, it’s like in my blood or something to want to do most things alone. I’ve mentioned it in a previous post, but this trait of mine also kinda led me astray when it came to college at the beginning of the year. Anyways, a few months ago I FINALLY (applause please) got ahold of this whole “college” thing, and realized how independence in that year alone had given itself such a new meaning to me. I went through quite a lot this year, and in my book, I would even say that’s an understatement. Not to sound dramatic by any means, I feel that any human at any stage of their life undergoing ANY change whatsoever can sometimes feel like they are going through a whole bunch and it’s hard to think straight or figure out what exactly you’re changing into. However, after my last week of classes and the weekend before finals approached, I looked back as I was writing a reflection paper for one of my classes and realized how much independence I truly did gain, and how much I valued it for that matter. I also realized how much I changed, and in ways I never thought that I would, but ways I can be eternally grateful for. God brought on so many lessons this year that I never ever saw coming, and challenges that I am determined to see through to the end, and that’s just the beginning of the cool stuff that college brought on, so don’t worry, there will be a more learning type post on what I all learned coming soon. (Because I am TOTALLY back for good this time!!)

Back to my dad, he always told my siblings and I growing up that we could have anything we wanted if we worked hard enough for it. I have always taken this to heart and given 110% into anything I am passionate about. Sometimes, by accident, it’s more than that. I definitely am one to get carried away by pouring my heart into things (blame the Cancer zodiac in me I swear.) However, it’s a trait in which I wouldn’t trade for anything. I have always strived to put a bunch of effort into this blog because it is something I care SO deeply about. I have always struggled with the image of it, what I want the content to look like, Instagram themes, etc etc etc. I always wondered when that absurd myth of “writer’s block” or “artist un-inspiration period” I always heard about was going to kick in for me because when I first started this blog I was on fire and in love with every bit of it. I couldn’t imagine a day where I didn’t want to hit publish. I was getting compliments from my friends every day in the hall, I had this spark that wanted to keep posting on Instagram to gain followers every day, and had people in my life that really supported what I was doing on a daily basis. It rocked.

Fast forward to around March of this year and I discovered that weird uninspired issue. I always had this vision of having SO much time to blog in college and SO many photo ops and SO much to blog about and when that didn’t turn out the way I wanted to I was honestly frustrated with myself for not performing up to par of this perfect vision of myself. (this was BEFORE I realized even the super woman I am cannot do it all, I was really beat up about that fact for awhile.) I was in a rut one day this year and feeling like nothing was going my way, when I sat down and had a DM from a random girl on my blog Instagram saying she loved my blog and went on about specific posts that really helped her gain insight into things. 1. Uh, wow. pinch me. 2. Every writers DREAM to hear their work helped someone personally and then to hear about it. 3. I hadn’t posted on Instagram in over a MONTH and this girl still managed to click the link in my bio. I don’t know you, but thanks for creeping gal, I owe you the world. 4. I remembered right then and there why I started this blog in the first place. I love to write, and I love to see the connections I can make with people by my writing, and seeing that working in action was absolutely everything I needed to get back on track.

By the time this re-inspiration hit it was late April. My last final was May 12. I realized that I was not going to half-ass my way through the rest of the school year blogging wise. I really wanted to focus on myself and really set up a game plan for what I wanted the blog to look like from here on out, what I wanted MYSELF to look like from here on out. Oh, haha, yeah, and school. I guess that also gets thrown in there when you attend college. I won’t lie, I have REALLY been working to improve myself, and I am beyond proud. I am proud of my GPA, I am proud of the time I commit to exercising every day, I am proud of the foods I am putting into my body, I am proud of the time I am spending with God every day, I am proud of the way I am handling situations, I am proud of the new connections and relationships I have made, and I am proud of my heart for always staying true to itself and not letting go of what it believes in. I am proud, and proud of that too.

I am finally also proud of the way I feel about my blog. For the longest time it was this battle of approval with myself and my readers and the people I actually speak with day to day in my life. I would be scared to post an Insta because I didn’t want to see my followers drop, I would be scared to hit post because of what people who get my posts emailed to their inbox may think of what I write, I compared myself to other bloggers, and a bunch of negative things that really did nothing but hurt the confidence I had. From now on, blogging is, and always will be, what I want it to be. My opinions on faith, my opinions on clothes ,my opinions on life and coffee and everything in between.

I have full faith that the people who care about me will stick around and support me for that exact reason: they care about me. I have spent too much time in my life waiting and worrying to impress people that don’t really care about the things that are important to me, and I have slowly realized, what a waste of time and energy! Care for everyone, duh. But, don’t waste your time changing to impress someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. This is SO important to becoming who you are. It has taken me many attempts of trial and error to remind myself this over and over. I will find myself psyching my brain out to the max when I don’t know a positive answer or outcome. The worst possible scenario always seems the most realistic at the moment and it can be so easy to fall into that trap of thinking of other’s opinions before your own. Too often I forget that God works through me every single day, like he does all of us, and if my actions are paved with God’s opinions, isn’t the only validation I truly should be seeking…His? Remind yourself that over and over and over AND OVER again when you find yourself hesitating to do something you believe in because you are scared of what other’s might think. If it pleases God, it should please you.

This post is beyond lengthy and I promise there are so many more fun and light-hearted ones coming, but this one had to be addressed first. And for those of you who stuck around for that lame excuse: YEET I dropped my laptop off my desk and that ended super not so well (RIGTHT in the midst of finals week ladies and gents!) So there was yet another reason I had to put off my typing and publishing unless I wanted to post solely from off the WordPress app on my phone. Which I DID do back in NYC. and I am typing to you from a brand spankin’ new one! It was due time I upgraded anyways but I almost miss my sweet 2012 MacBook. The newest version is very much up to speed though and doesn’t take two minutes to launch a website (talk about a 21st century complaint…) so we are getting along just fine!

Well that’s all for now, but expect to be hearing from me soon! & MAYBE even some video content coming soon!

Until next time, xoxo, Ally

akn

6 thoughts on “Where did xo go?!

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